I have never blogged about being single. Perhaps that has
something to do with the fact that I think that the cyber world is already
inundated with enough articles on the subject, ranging anywhere from “Top 10 Cheesy Christian Pick- Up Lines” to “How to Find the Man of Your Dreams.”
Or maybe I’m slow to catch on. It’s only recently that I’ve
looked around and have been jolted to the realization that several of my
friends are expecting their third or even fourth child, and the girl who
was in first grade when I joined the youth group is now dating the guy I
babysat back when he was in diapers. Somewhere along the way between then and now,
at the age of 28 and unattached, I have unquestionably qualified for society’s
label and definition of “Single.”
Since several people have nudged me to write about this very
topic, I thought now might be the time to add my sliver of perspective on
“being single.” Especially since many of you may already be tired of scrolling
through dozens of Valentine’s Day posts, this one might escape your attention
or else it might add to your mounting frustration about the aforementioned
overabundance of articles that already exist.
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.
And before I proceed, no offense whatsoever is intended
toward the dating, engaged, or married people of our world. But that is one day
of the year when I do allow myself to privately laugh and roll my eyes at the
mushy-gushy displays of affection that are posted on not-so-private news feeds, when
I scroll past the seventh picture of the “gorgeous roses from my boyfriend—he
is so amazing!!”(seriously, how many angles can you possibly take of one
bouquet?), or when I see the man in line at the drug store, clutching one of
those stuffed teddy bears that holds a cardboard heart of chocolates and has a
cellophane “I Love You!” balloon tucked into its other paw (funny how those
things have survived several generations of lovers without going out of
fashion.)
Or the couples at the restaurant, like the one I saw last
night. They were maybe early 20’s, artsy, hipster glasses, and obviously in
love. I guess that’s what one calls the emotion that propels a young bearded
man to doodle hearts all over his girlfriend’s hand and write little notes on
it too, while his eyes are glazed over with that same emotion which makes one
do funny things like this in the midst of a very bustling, crowded dining area.
By now, some of you may be labeling me as a cynical old maid
or a jealous hater on those who have “someone” while I do not. Before I get you
too riled up by my commentary on ways lovers choose to observe Valentine’s Day,
may I explain myself?
I may be single, but I am not at all against love or dating
or marriage or even Valentine’s Day. In fact, I still get excited when people
tell me their love story, I still [sometimes] shriek and envelop my friend in a
ginormous hug when she whispers to me that “he asked me out!”, and I am one of
the weepy women at weddings, trying to discreetly wipe away tears when I watch
the radiant bride walk down the aisle towards her beaming groom. (It’s so
beautiful, how can you not get teary-eyed?)
I’m all for chocolate and save Dove wrappers that have
sappy-sounding quotes on them. I still find roses to be a beautiful expression
of affection even if one young man was known to say, “How
can roses be a symbol of undying affection? I mean, do you say, ‘I will love you
forever. Now watch these die!’?” Romantic walks in the moonlight after a fresh
snowfall? Yeah, I’d be there, even if I do dislike the cold. Don’t even get me
started on wedding boards on Pinterest. I have purposely NOT begun one because
I fear that I shall become addicted and waste too much time dreaming over
styles of wedding gowns or comparing bouquet palettes.
Ah, the lament and the laughter of being single…
There is a delicate balance between embracing singlehood
with contentment and yet still keeping your heart soft and hopeful for the fulfillment
of desires for love and marriage. I do
believe that is the crux where I find myself trying to live these days…
If you had told me when I celebrated my Sweet Sixteenth that
in a dozen years I would be “single”, I would have probably retreated to my
room, horrified, and cried for a week. At that season of life, the thought of
not being married by the time I was 22 would have felt like a sentence of
lifelong doom and utter rejection.
Today, I look back over the past dozen years of my life -
still single - and I can honestly say that I would not trade them for all the
starry-eyed ambitions of love and romance that I had as a young girl of
sixteen. Am I in denial, trying to erase
all the desires that I did have, even then, for marriage to a man who with his
whole heart loved the Lord and loved me? I think I did go through that stage
for a time. Back when it seemed like everyone, including my younger sister, had
their love story play out perfectly except for me, and when wedding invitations,
one after the next, came addressed to “Miss Katelyn Dye.” It was easier
for me to cope by throwing myself into college, work, and any other activity
that gave me a sense of identity and meaning, rather than acknowledging that
nagging fear that it “might never be me” alongside the longing to love and be
loved.
Around that time in my life, I remember two women who
unknowingly impacted my life in this area. They were both in their 30’s, unmarried,
and yet thriving in life. These two ladies did not at all fit the
negative spinster stereotype we tend to cloak around the word “single”. They
had engaging personalities, were actively involved in ministry, enjoyed travel,
connected with friends all over the world, dressed in an attractive yet modest
manner, pursued education and home businesses, were brave enough to try new
things, and most of all, took a genuine interest in my life. They loved the
Lord and they freely expressed that to others and encouraged me in my own
Christian walk. Perhaps it was a subconscious thought, but I knew deep down
inside, that if someday I ever was their age and still single, I wanted to live
life with as much passion and enthusiasm as they did.
I think one of the more important lessons I’ve stumbled
across in relating to this season of life called Singlehood, is that marriage
is not a reward for awesomeness or
perfection. I am very grateful to have been influenced in a very positive way
by books written on dating/courtship by authors such as Joshua Harris or Leslie
Ludy. In the Anabaptist church setting I’ve grown up in, my generation has also
benefitted from a lot of teaching on surrendering the area of your love life to
Christ, how to go about starting a relationship in a way that honors God and
your authorities, and the imperative importance of guarding your purity. Again,
may I stress that I am very, very thankful to have had exposure to teachings
such as these when our society sneers at purity or tries to redefine the
life-long commitment of vowing your life to another.
But sometimes, I wonder if the lofty ideals of courtship
have inadvertently pressured us to make a mental checklist of “Things I Need to
Do or Be Before I Deserve to Get Married.” In talking with other young
women who are single, I get the feeling that a lot of us have moments when we are afraid
that the reason we are still not dating is because we haven’t quite arrived yet or somehow aren't enough. With this mentality, we begin comparing ourselves to this girl or
that girl or those girls over there who either do or don’t have a significant
other in her life. Sometimes, we even begin to doubt God and why He seems to be "withholding" a good thing from us when it looks like He gave it to every other girl in church on Sunday morning.
I have many friends who are around my age who are unmarried.
They are beautiful, have a great sense of humor, exemplify a close walk with
the Lord, love children, are talented in the arts, radiate creativity, and are
amazing cooks. My natural inclination is to look at them and think, “how on
earth are they NOT married??!” Did the
friend who got married at 20 deserve marriage more than my friend who is still
single at 30?
The realization that marriage and singleness are both gifts from God, not a reward or a punishment,
has probably had the greatest impact on how I approach being single myself.
For
as many times as I’ve looked at my married friends and longed to have what they
have, they have been the ones who have told me to enjoy the season of life I am
in and the opportunities that I can embrace because I do not yet have the
responsibilities of a husband or children. God’s plan for them was marriage,
for some of them, at a very young age. Thus far, God’s design for my life has
been singleness. Neither is better than the other nor am I any more or less
deserving than then next woman.
When I view each stage of life as a God-designed gift, then
it helps me to also embrace the desires He has given me for love and marriage as
a holy part of being created in His image.
He has given me the desires to love and be loved by a good man, to have
a child of my own, and to pour my energy and talents into supporting whatever
God would call us to as a couple. When a longing is seemingly unmet, it is
human nature to ignore it, to deny it, or to kill that part of the heart. As a
single young woman, it is easy to slip into one of those ruts and to put on a
front that screams, “why would I ever want to be married when I have my own
life?!” It is much more vulnerable to admit that yes, I have these longings,
and to trust God’s goodness to fulfill them when and how He chooses to.
I like to call it a surrendered hope…
Trust me, there have been moments of agony, tears of
frustration and times I have yes, yelled at God when I didn’t understand what
He was up to in this journey of singleness. Part of the lament of being single
is those unexpected moments that blindside you when you are just tired of being strong… Tired of making your own decisions. Tired of always having to be
concerned about bills and money and the stresses of daily life on your own. Tired of having to kill the roaches and the spiders and the mice all by yourself. Or simply
tired of being alone.
We as single women don’t have it all together either. Take
it from one at least who doesn’t. Just like our married friends, we are flawed
and human and sometimes wonder who would ever want to love us for who we are. Our
world might appear tidy and comfortable and exciting, but we have those moments
where we just want a strong, caring guy to put his arm around us and tell
us, “I’m here. It will be okay.”
But for the lament that singlehood may bring, it certainly
can hold a lot of laughter and be full of life. I feel incredibly blessed that
I have been able to go to nursing school, make friends from all over, have a
job that I love, live in a different culture, and leave a part of my heart in
countries other than my native one. I feel like a rich woman, rich in things
that money could never purchase. I know that many of these experiences would
not have been possible if I had been married young. To me, that is not proof
that singlehood is better than marriage, but it is evidence that we have a good
Daddy who longs to give to His children above what we could have ever
envisioned for ourselves. In this season of life, He has revealed different
facets of His heart towards me in the ways that He cared for me even in those
moments that I felt most alone.
Maybe it’s mixed up, but that is a smattering of my
perspective on this whole singleness thing.
Oh, and Valentine’s
Day? Yes, I celebrated it too. By dressing up in pinks and reds and going out
for dinner with two good friends who also currently are not in a relationship.
There we were, the three of us, sitting at a table for four smack dab in the
middle of all these couples, just sampling each other’s lattes, savoring our
dinner, and enjoying each others’ company, all the while laughing at the sight
we must be. J
But we decided to spare the audience around us and skipped
the part of doodling-on-each-others’-hands.
