On Being Dean ~ Lesson 101

What I've been learning in my first three weeks as ladies' dean.... 

{at least the edited & condensed version adapted from a lengthy journal entry}

~ I am in a classroom. Not a literal one as the students are, but a classroom nonetheless of Life Lessons. It also includes taking tests on a daily basis. 

~ I cannot do anything on my own. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It must be all God. 

~God delights in showcasing His strength through my weakness. 

~ It takes time to build trust and relationships. Don't rush them. 

~ Daily quiet time is essential to the task.

~ Audrey Assad's "Restless" has become my theme song and is stuck on repeat in my playlist more often than not. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM]

~ An atrocious amount of hair will collect on the floor of the girls' dorm in a 24 hour period. 

~ Sometimes, chocolate IS the answer. 

~ Making good food can be helpful in building friendships. Maybe there really is a scientific explanation to that heart-stomach connection. 

~ Being dean can be exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, & spiritually. 

~ Old habits (like being a night owl) did not automatically change when I became a dean.

~ Being able to laugh at myself goes a long way in practicing a good sense of humor. [even when I ask someone what the battery life of the vacuum is, just after I had unplugged it's cord. TRUE STORY].   :)

~ Put down my computer or stop whatever I am busy doing when one of the girls asks a question or wants to talk. 

~ "People" are more important than my daily "To Do" list. 

~ The internet can quickly become a thief of my time. Browse wisely. 

~ Try to be present at all mealtimes. That's where the good discussions happen. 

~ There can never be too many fans blowing at once during hot season. 

~ Quickly learn to recognize speed bumps. Otherwise, it is painful for both me and my bike. 

~ Don't be afraid of trying new things, even if I'm worried I'll look like a fool. [like trying to play futsal, the Asian version of soccer]. 

~ Girls universally will discuss guys & relationships. Trust me, I am one. 

~ Be real with my own flaws & weaknesses, but also willing to share the good things that God has done/is doing in my life. 

~ Mercy must be balanced with Truth, and Grace is sometimes gritty. 

~ I realize how selfish I really can be. 

~ Be prepared to be asked a lot of questions. Many of them, I may not have an answer for. 

~ There is a lot of joy and fulfillment to be found in serving. Even sweeping three stories of tiled floors. 

~ A grateful spirit is contagious. Be quick to express my thankfulness to others. 

~ That weekly girls' night-out with a friend on Monday evenings is soul-refreshing. 

~ Even brief email replies are better than none at all when my inbox is screaming for attention. 

~ Riding my own motorbike is a great outlet for independence and adventure. 

~ Thailand's iced coffees have become a regular part of my diet. 

~ I wouldn't get anywhere without the prayers of others. Don't take them for granted. 

~ Laugh often. Love much. 

~ Snail mail is greatly appreciated. 

~ I will mess up, believe lies about myself, and find myself falling into people-pleaser mode. Just don't stay  there, but return to the Truth. 

~ Be able to accept God's grace for myself so that I can freely extend grace to others. 

... and that, my friends, are the lessons of only the first three weeks... I still have seven month's worth ahead of me.  :) 

The Why of the What

A dozen days ago, I boarded the eight-seater Piper plane as the lone passenger with two pilots. That flight was only the first stretch of the long journey from the rolling, barren hills of Lancaster, PA, to touchdown on the runway rimmed by the hazy blue-green mountains of Chiang Mai, Thailand. 

Once we got past the bumpy take-off, the view from the very, very small plane was actually quite scenic.

 From here to there and back again. It is an odd feeling to have your heart suspended between two different worlds, to be at home in both, and yet to still have that unquenchable yearning for eternal Eden…

Last December 20^th, I think my homecoming at JFK airport was so jubilant that even security may have been getting suspicious of all the commotion. Thankfully, we were not apprehended ~ and my time at home was rich, hectic, hard, and refreshing.

During the next three months, I savored each minute with my two year old nephew who now imitates every word he hears and who fascinates me with his energetic way of living life with all the wonder of a child. Once more I donned my scrubs and dusted off my stethoscope and loved every minute of diving back into work at Cornerstone Family Health nestled in small-town Lititz. 

My family and I shared laughter and tears that knitted our hearts together in even deeper ways, and I marveled again at how they put up with my idiosyncrasies, odd habits, and sarcastic sense of humor. I shopped out of my sister’s closet, disagreed with her sense of direction (which is just as bad as mine), and taught her to make Thai-style iced coffee while we finished each other’s sentences. 

 

Snowflakes made me as giddy as a little kid, and I thought the fluffy white stuff was beautiful even if the calendar said it should be spring. Once again, I ate real cheese and swirled half-and-half in my morning coffee.  I reconnected with friends over steaming latte’s in quaint café’s and watched children who were being burped and swaddled only eight months ago now toddle down the aisle at church. 

I struggled to make time for my devotions and at times felt burdened by the weight of discouragement and troubling circumstances. Some days, I felt mixed up inside, wondering where I truly belong and wishing I knew what the future held.  But woven throughout the difficult and the delightful was the loving support of so many people and the faithful leading and provision of my Abba. Every day was a gift...

So that is the long nut-shell version of the what. It is the “Why are you going back? “question that I’ve been asked numerous times since leaving Thailand last Christmas. I don’t blame you for asking. It is unnatural to leave your job, your family, your community, and your tidy little bubble within a familiar culture that is a woven into your very fiber and that shaped from birth your initial point of reference for how the rest of the world goes around. 

For some reason, the Lord has chosen to give me a tip-of-the-iceberg glimpse of how many people of the rest of the world actually live, often without having ever heard of Jesus Christ. This is not because I am someone special or that I deserve the opportunity more than another; but I believe that He has granted these glimpses to me as a sacred responsibility. What will I do with all that I have been given, both physically and spiritually? 

Out of that responsibility, God has opened up a door of new opportunity. This time, I returned to Thailand to serve as staff at IGo, the very same training institute where I spent a total of twelve months as a student and then as an intern over the course of 2 ½ years.  A year ago, I would have laughed and said, “Absolutely not!” if you had told me that I would be coming back to Thailand and taking on the position as dean of women. At times when I think about the incredible responsibility of this task, I still find it both amusing and terrifying that God would call me to something so different from what I had expected or have ever done. 

Of two things I am assured: He has a benevolent sense of humor and a way of knocking out all props from under us so that we can do nothing else except run to Him. 

So that is the why behind the what, folks. 

The students I will be serving are girls just like myself, making a big leap into the scary unknown of living in a foreign culture and desiring to learn more about knowing our God and making Him known in all the earth.  If in some small way I can play a role of supporting them in this journey to discovering more of God and His heart for all people, it will only be because of His power in my weakness and an outflow of what Jesus has done for me.

Dei Gratia

{By the grace of God}

{The Exchange of Grace}

You are the one that we praise
You are the one we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for

This past week, Melanie, Yvonne, and I have been taking a basic counselor training course with the Compasio western staff. It has been an enlightening week as we have probed deeper into how to be a reflective listener, how to offer warmth, empathy, and respect to those who are hurting, and how to better relate to children from backgrounds of neglect & abuse. 

But it was yesterday, the very last session of the training, that had the greatest impact on me personally. Our teacher spoke on God's love and grace and those "boulders" in our lives that prevent us from fully embracing and openly accepting that unconditional love and grace. I don't believe it was any coincidence that my devotional reading that morning was also on accepting by faith the reality that Christ loves me without reserve and without limits. 

Oh, I know intellectually that He loves me. But so often, my behavior of performance, of running from Him when I feel guilt, of trying to deserve this love betrays what my heart truly believes. For the first time, I saw my shame that I have been acting out for years. This shame is so subtle that it disguises itself in people-pleasing actions and perfectionist attitudes. Fear of failure? Uh, yeah, that would be me. Trying to achieve love and acceptance from others?  Exhausting. 

This morning God gave me these verses from Isaiah 53 & 54: "He is despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... He was despised and we esteemed Him not... Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows... The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes, we are healed..."

"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth..." 

My shame comes face-to-face with His Grace. That grace that compelled Him to carry to the cross not only my sin but also my shame. That cross, an instrument of death, also becomes a symbol of freedom and release. He is big enough, tender enough, strong enough, and good enough to carry my burden of shame. Not only can He take those burdens, but He longs to deliver me from that shame and to release me from those demands of perfection that I have placed upon myself. 

Trembling, I slowly open my hands to Him. Then He shows me His. Those Hands that are nail-scarred because of the price He has paid to set me free. 

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new dimension of what Jesus has done for me. Yet I know that re-learning to live out of His grace rather than shame will be a long process. I long to learn to freely receive that I might freely give... His healing and His grace is not meant for me to keep to myself ~  but He calls me to live a life of grace that can be poured out on the world around me.