{The Exchange of Grace}

You are the one that we praise
You are the one we adore
You give the healing and grace
Our hearts always hunger for

This past week, Melanie, Yvonne, and I have been taking a basic counselor training course with the Compasio western staff. It has been an enlightening week as we have probed deeper into how to be a reflective listener, how to offer warmth, empathy, and respect to those who are hurting, and how to better relate to children from backgrounds of neglect & abuse. 

But it was yesterday, the very last session of the training, that had the greatest impact on me personally. Our teacher spoke on God's love and grace and those "boulders" in our lives that prevent us from fully embracing and openly accepting that unconditional love and grace. I don't believe it was any coincidence that my devotional reading that morning was also on accepting by faith the reality that Christ loves me without reserve and without limits. 

Oh, I know intellectually that He loves me. But so often, my behavior of performance, of running from Him when I feel guilt, of trying to deserve this love betrays what my heart truly believes. For the first time, I saw my shame that I have been acting out for years. This shame is so subtle that it disguises itself in people-pleasing actions and perfectionist attitudes. Fear of failure? Uh, yeah, that would be me. Trying to achieve love and acceptance from others?  Exhausting. 

This morning God gave me these verses from Isaiah 53 & 54: "He is despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... He was despised and we esteemed Him not... Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows... The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes, we are healed..."

"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth..." 

My shame comes face-to-face with His Grace. That grace that compelled Him to carry to the cross not only my sin but also my shame. That cross, an instrument of death, also becomes a symbol of freedom and release. He is big enough, tender enough, strong enough, and good enough to carry my burden of shame. Not only can He take those burdens, but He longs to deliver me from that shame and to release me from those demands of perfection that I have placed upon myself. 

Trembling, I slowly open my hands to Him. Then He shows me His. Those Hands that are nail-scarred because of the price He has paid to set me free. 

I feel like my eyes have been opened to a new dimension of what Jesus has done for me. Yet I know that re-learning to live out of His grace rather than shame will be a long process. I long to learn to freely receive that I might freely give... His healing and His grace is not meant for me to keep to myself ~  but He calls me to live a life of grace that can be poured out on the world around me.